Re: Free Pig Scraps

Hi, I have a cafe that turns over plenty of food scraps for pigs or cattle. Free for collection & buckets supplied.
Please call Aaron on 0414 xxx xxx

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Hi Aaron,

My friend Jason is a commercial buying manager for an un-named fast food chain and is always on the look out for new 'meat' sources. He's always making jokes about their customers being 'fat, disgusting human pigs,' so I think he'll get a kick out of this.

Even if the meat content in the scraps is only 5% they can still use it and no need to leave out any of the really nasty stuff like organs, half eaten food, rotten food, etc. Once it's been bleached, artificially colored, flavored and covered in some sugary type sauce, no one will ever know.

I'll put you guys in touch and he'll just turn up in their refitted, unmarked sewerage truck. There is a suction mechanism on the tank, so he will just suck it all up. No buckets required.

FS

Re: Wanted hunting property

Gday
I'm a licenced shooter seeking property to hunt feral pigs,goats,foxes and rabbits in nsw and willing to pay a fee for the privilege
thanks Joe

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Hi Joe,

I think I may have just the place for you. It's a smaller farm on the edge of Sydney. I was there a few weeks ago to gate crash a teenager's birthday party and I noticed there were several goats on the property.

I was hammered on tequila and cheap mescaline at the time, but I remember this one came up to me (I think it wanted to suck on my finger):

In hindsight, I think it's really creepy and I still have nightmares about it, so you have my blessing to go out there and shoot it in the head.

Not sure about the other animals, but I'm sure you'll find something else to aim at.

Oh yeah, the daughter of the farm owner is a 16 year old girl named Christy. She was also friendly, so don't shoot her, just tell her the lord Jesus is in your pants and she'll insist you take them off. Then you just say that he's shy and she should try to suck him out of his hiding spot.

She kept asking 'is he out yet?' but I told her to keep going until she felt something warm in her mouth and I said 'oh jesus, Christy...'

Worked for me, but your mileage may vary with the Jesus thing since you are going out there to shoot her pet goat in the head after all.

FM

PS Just so you know, Christy's Father also has guns.

Re: Wanted: Racing pigeons

Hey guys,

Am looking for racing pigeons, as my friends are building an empire of pigeons to go race them. Preferably free.

Thanks,
Di xx

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Hi Di,

I'd like to put you in touch with my former cellmate at Silverwater Jail, Barry. He has been involved in pigeon racing since he got out and has a very efficient training method:

I should point out that Barry has somewhat of a lack of patience when it comes to training the birds, but if you have a whole army of them, the few that he loses his temper with won't be too much of a loss.

Having said that, if you ever want to get back at him for shooting your pigeons, the sound of keys jangling is a psychological trigger for Barry's post traumatic stress disorder. Just sneak up behind him, jangle your keys and yell 'get back to solitary you maggot!"

Everyone will get a kick out of it, even Barry, once he stops crying and you can pry him out of the fetal position.

FS

Re: Wanted: High jump trainer

My son is wanting to do some high jump practice before the next athletics carnival. He has made state and wants to catch up on some skills. Only experienced person please. We are based at Glendale and would like to do it at Hunter Athletics - Glendale. If interested and experienced please call Julie on 49 xxx xxx. thanks.

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Hi Julie,

I think I can help you with this.

My cousin Jarryd, jumped off a 16 story building and survived. He landed on the corrugated iron roof of a cardboard box factory. He was pretty lucky, but the police at the time said it was all about his landing.

I think he would be a good source of advice for your son, just don't mention the win-loss record of the South Sydney Rabbitohs at all (it's a psychological trigger for him apparently).

FS

Re: A lift to Brisbane

I'm a french girl, going to Brisbane with my own car around the 10th or the 11th of may.
I have more than one free seat. So i'm looking for people so we can split the gas!
Call me at 0404xxxxxx

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Hi,

I'm considering taking a trip to Brisbane around that time to stalk an ex-girlfriend, so this could be ideal.

I'm happy to pay for petrol and will also contribute some food items for the car. There's no cost for those as I'll be shop lifting them from the gas stations along the way.

Is there likely to be any romance between us on the trip? The reason I ask is so I'll know whether to pack clean clothes or just wear dirty ones. It will also influence the music I have on my mp3 player and I can even bring my small scissors to trim my pubic and your underarm hair while we're driving.

I guess I should point out a few of my bad habits. I tend to get bad gas and I mostly urinate into plastic bottles. I think public restrooms overall are pretty disgusting, so I just prefer to use the bottles.

On one of my other road trips, the girl I was with wore a nappy, so we can rig that up for you if you don't want to stop. But again, if the romance is on, then we'll need other supplies in order to maintain a basic level of hygiene.

FS

Re: Free Men's haircut at Chatswood

I'm offering free haircut for you only on Mon~Wed at Chatswood.
Since I am a junior hairdressor I need some models who have patience.
Just contact me if you're interested in it.
Thank you

Mia 0430 xxx xxx
Plz contact on mobile phone only

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Hi Mia,

I'm interested in the free hair cut. I normally get drunk at the Crow's Nest Hotel on a Wednesday, so this will work in well. I'll also make sure I don't get too drunk as I can become quite irritable and abusive if I've had too many. Some people even go as far as to say I'm a bad drunk, lol.

But if I stop at around 15 schooners, if you fuck up my haircut, I'm more likely to just laugh it off rather than attack you with a pair of scissors.

FS

Re: Wanted: Veteran Drummer Wanted

Guitarist and Vocalist/Bass player seeking a creative, dedicated drummer to play indie/alternative music for both fun and gigging.

Influences range from Iggy Pop, Gang of Four, the Jesus and Mary Chain through to Grinderman.

Would suit failed or former rock stars with ambitions to age disgracefully.

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I think my friend Barry would be perfect for your band. He lives in a boarding house in Rozelle, which is just up the road from you. As long as he continues to take his medication and you keep any sharp objects away from him, everything will be fine.

He isn't a veteran, he was much too busy taking drugs and drinking to join the military, but in hindsight, it might have been good for him. He might not have ended up a nut case playing in shitty pubs for all the beer he can drink and then throw up.

FS

Re: Trip to wollongong

Thinking to take 2 days off and relax. Need company (preferably) mature women between 35 and 45 whos is happy to share a room and enjoy the trip.
Will pay for 75% of expenses.

Please e-mail so that we can plan some nice time out.

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Hi,

I think I know just the person for you to take to Wollongong. She is in her early 40s and getting out of the house would certainly be good for her.

Just a note on that, since she weighs about 220 kilograms, you may need some sort of lifting equipment or an assistant to get her off the bed. There is also a large pile of garbage in her front yard, so that will make it difficult to reverse a truck up to the front door.

You might be better off paying some of the local kids to remove some of the garbage first, then you can get her out and be on the way to Wollongong.

You will need a large vehicle and judging by the number of broken toilets in her front yard, you might want to have some story prepared if she breaks the one in your room.

You crazy kids have fun down there!

FS

Re: Wanted: LOOKING FOR A QANTAS EMPLOYEE!!!!

Hi guys,
I'm looking for somebody working at Qantas, anyone to help me about a plane ticket.. Please contact me and I'll explain you everything, but I REALLY NEED YOUR HELP URGENTLY!!!! Please!!!!
Thanks

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Hi,

Sorry for the delayed response, but I think I can help you with this request.

I have an old classmate, Nathan, who is working at the Qantas heavy maintenance facility in Singapore. He has been away for 4 weeks on annual leave in Vietnam helping develop rural communities. At least, that's what I thought he meant when he said he was going there for 'little boys.'

He can't really help with bookings or anything like that, but he gets a lot of perks. I remember once he was chastised by a Manager for some disciplinary thing. When he said, 'well fuck you then, let's see what happens when I leave my tools sitting in the engines,' the guy back pedalled really fast and offered him a free vacation anywhere Qantas flies.

I know he has a lot of free flight vouchers he can give away, so it's worth getting in touch and letting him know what you have to offer -- who knows, you may also know a place with small boys where he can go to help out.

FS

Re: LOST CAMERA

Hi to all,
I am a Canadian backpacker and have just recently lost a new panasonic black camera. Lost it on Christmas eve in Epping. It was in a sunglasses spy case, has pictures of the opera house, lunar park, coffs harbour, and byron bay. I would be ever so greatful to have it returned! If you have seen or heard anything please e-mail me back or contact me at 041xxxxxxx
Amanda

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Hi Amanda,

I have some good news for you.

My cousin Simon lives in Epping and he said he recently found a camera that fits your description. It had pictures of the opera house, lunar park, coffs harbour and byron bay, but there were also quite a few cock shots on there as well. He is an effeminate gay, so was quite excited about this random find.

Unfortunately for me, he thought it would be funny to post them on my facebook wall knowing full well my Mum is one of my friends. Fortunately, I was able to convince her they were just pictures of 'mushrooms' taken on a 'bush walk.'

She commented, 'that one purple mushroom hiding in the grass with the red spots on it looks poisonous, please tell your friend not to eat it' so you might want to pass that on to the gentleman in question (and get yourself some antibiotics).

Simon wants me to tell you that guy is invited to a 'bug party,' so I'll let you guys sort that out.

FS