Re: Ms Deborah

LOST/STOLEN RECIPE BOOK "KITCHEN" by Nigella Lawson

Left or possibly stolen on Virgin flight from Sydney to Hobart on 17 December 2010. Plane returned directly to Sydney so it may have been taken off the plane in Sydney. There is an inscription on the title page which reads: "To the best mum in the world. Happy Birthday and have a great Christmas. Love, James xoxo"

I would like my gift back for sentimental reasons.
Reward will be paid if sought. Tel: 0425 xxx xxx

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Hi Deborah?

I'm confused about how something like a book can be 'possibly stolen.' How many drinks did you have on that flight? I've been to Hobart, so I know you can't possibly visit the place sober, but to leave your book in with the dog eared magazine, safety card and sick bags, you must have been way fucked up.

I have good news and bad news for you.

The good news is I have a relative (Carsten, but we all call him 'Castrate' lol) who works for Virgin. He is usually in airline catering, eating the leftovers on the trays, but this time he was cleaning and he has found your book.

The bad news is he is mildly 'completely retarded' and he has decorated the cover. I hope this won't affect the sentimental value of your book and he will gladly arrange for it to be posted back to you in exchange for a 6 pack of gin and tonic UDLs.

FS

Re: Wanted: Do you have any spare keys or forks?

If anyone has any old keys they no longer need or old forks you can spare I'd be really grateful!

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Hi,

First, let me say I admire your entrepreneurial spirit. I've seen the fork jewelry being sold at the Paddington markets for decent money. I'm not trying to be mean here, but my Uncle Ray gave my sister some feedback about the one she was wearing a Christmas time or 2 ago. I remember he said, "it's obviously a bent fork for fuck's sake!" Everyone just laughed nervously and I broke the silence by asking for more ham. You have to be really careful around 'Uncle Ray.'

I have 2 recommendations for you. The first is to befriend an old lady. Maybe deliver meals on wheels or something like that. Once you get to know her a bit and she trusts you, ask her about the silverware. I'm sure she'll drone on and on about 'wedding gift' this and 'after the war' that, but you'll know if she has any nice forks. Some of those sets have the big and small forks in there, so you'll be able to make different sized jewelry and sell it to the rich women's children. I've seen the Miley Cyrus clothing catalogues for tweens and this would certainly fit.

The second is to visit the Woolworth's cafeteria at Town Hall. It's on the 3rd level and will also give you opportunities to meet old people. Just order something confusing for the Thai staff, like a roast beef sandwich with gravy and then you can take some extra forks with you. The quality won't be as high as the silverware from old ladies, but don't complain because they're free. You could ask one of the old jockey's who eat there for their opinion, but just to forewarn you, he might say something like "how the fuck should I know, you're the fucking expert here. Jesus christ, what the fuck is wrong with these young people?"

Well, just don't ask him if diet coke is the best drink to go with a roast beef & gravy sandwich anyway.

FS

Re: Looking for a intelligent person to practice case interviews!

I am determined to become a management consultant with one of the biggest and most respected consulting firms, such as McKinsey, Boston Consulting, Bain, Booz, Port Jackson Partners etc.

If you have the same goal, you understand how important it is to practice case interviews. While some parts of the training can be undertaken by yourself, the analysis part requires assistance of another person.

If you are an intelligent person interested in joining the management consulting profession, feel free to contact`t me. I would be happy to meet in person, or over skype to undergo mutually beneficial case interview preparation sessions and share insights that I acquired in my preparation so far.

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Hi,

I'm not sure if working for one of 'the most respected consulting firms' will make people respect you more or just think you're a pompous wanker, but hey, it's your goal.

I have just the person to help you. He's 40, but has the mental age of 16. He can fully understand every article in the Daily Telegraph and is a huge fan of A Current Affair. He doesn't get many questions right on Hot Seat, so has now switched over to Deal or no Deal even though I've expressed my hatred for Channel 7 on many occasions. There's something about the Stokes' brunette only policy and the creepy sports guy I find patently offensive.

Anyway, many people call him 'retarded,' but he's far from it. Profoundly stunted intellectually is a better way of putting it. I think it will help you to practice with someone like him, because when the time comes to interview, if they say something you don't like, you can just say, 'well, I was practicing with this 40 year old man with a mental age of 16 and he understands. You don't, so that must make you a retard. You know what, fuck you and your stupid job. I'm only here because Centerlink make me. Go ahead, call security, see if I care.'

Well, maybe leave out the last part, that's what I usually say at interviews.

FS

Re: Lost Green Eclectus male from Harrington Park near Camden 18/12

Our male eclectus flew away from Harrington Prk near Camden. He was a great friend and will be dearly missed. If you spot him please call 043xxxxxxx.

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Hi,

I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. I was down in the Macarthur area on Sunday morning with my slug gun shooting at green parrots. I was staggering around as a result of taking cheap mescaline, but I'm sure I hit one.

I didn't bother to go and inspect my handy work -- it's so try hard -- but based on the number of cats I saw around the park, I'm sure he got a good send off. I'll bet right now he's standing on the great parrot perch in the sky bobbing up and down or maybe it's only cockatoos that do that.

FS

Re: Wanted: Climbing partner(s)

My wife and I are looking for regular, reliable, safe, outdoor climbing partner(s). We climb every weekend unless its raining. We have a 9 month old baby boy we bring with us and we always like to have at least one extra person to keep an eye on him. We have several climbing friends but none are really regular.

I've been climbing 15 years and climb to grade 23. My wife climbs to about 21.
I have plenty of ropes and gear. We are very safety conscious and usually top rope unless leading is unavoidable.

Please let me know if you are interested.

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Hi,

I think I can help you with this, as I'm also a compulsive risk taker who refuses to face up to responsibility.

Let me also say I think it's great you and your wife are competitive and constantly one-upping each other. I'd be all like 'oooh, you had a baby, well I can climb to grade 23, so in your FACE.'

The kid sounds like a bit of a drag, was it unplanned by any chance? I know what that's like as I've bought lots of things before, then you get home and it's like 'gee this sucks.'

Have you considered stuffing him in your backpack and climbing with it on? As long as there's alcohol, I'm happy to sit on the ground with your kid, but I've always wanted to be in that situation where you're holding someone, but the glove is slipping. I'll say 'hold on, hold on' and you or your wife will say 'I'm slipping, I'm slipping.'

We can have all the ropes, so you just dangle there, not smash into the jagged rocks below. I think that could be quite confronting for your kid and might put him off rock climbing for life.

He would also need to join children without parents or something like that because I'm not babysitting him if you're not there, it would just be too weird. When he gets older he might get mad and scream things at me like 'you're the drunk babysitter who let go of my Dad on the mountain, I'm going to kill you.'

FS

Re: Birkenhead Point

there you was shopping with your girls and guy in toe. we made eyes and we smiled at each other , this happend today sunday 5/12/10 around 10.30 in the morning you was wearing shorts nice bum as well very nice.
if this is you contact me,

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Hi,

The fuck you lookin at my girl for?

Ha ha, just kidding, I'm testing out my new 'tough guy' personality. I usually like to bring it out on the bodybuilding forum, but there are already hundreds of guys there doing the same thing and I don't have the same gay pictures of me without a shirt on to back it up.

I remember once I was shopping at Birkenhead point. I ended up buying this shirt that didn't fit real well, but I liked the pattern and the sales girl was being all flirty for some reason. Big deal, I hate this stupid shirt.

Anyway, as I was walking out, this girl with her family was looking at me. I stared back at her and said "why you look in my eyes for, I got no candy, no candy, except for the right hook.'

Her Dad thought that was over the top and told me you don't say things like that to a 16 year old girl. I said, 'I ain't shook, cause when the right hook comes out crazy mother fuckers like you get knocked out.'

He freaked out, but luckily the security guard that day liked his 16 year old daughter and let me off with a warning and a 5 year ban from the center. He's since moved to a new gig at the marina I think as I saw something about him and 'statutory rope.'

Just goes to show there are many haters when you're living the 'thug life.'

FS

Re: Send us a message now!

Yo. We're a 3 piece band living round Springwood NSW. We're all between 19-21. We write songs that are bluesy and sleazy. We like Motley, Poison, Diamond Dave and hanoi mother fuckn rocks.

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Hi,

Not quite sure what it is you want here, so I'll just give you my thoughts on Springwood having spent some time living in Sassafras Gully Rd.

It must be hard to find venues for a 'bluesy and sleazy' band to play at in Springwood. I mean, there's the always bowling club, but the crowd there is a bit older than you guys.

Do you work at the IGA? If so, please tell the owner his supermarket sucks. The prices are fucking outrageous and I don't think I ever seen such a limited selection of processed cheese at a supermarket in all my life.

The good thing about Springwood is it's easy to get on the train without a ticket. I used to do that all the time and the ticket people never checked. Partly because I looked like a person who would have a ticket, but mostly because around Penrith, you'd see a Grandpa with a rolled up newspaper belting some kid with it.

It provided entertainment and a distraction for everyone on the train, so thanks to the Grandfather of the year for that.

FS

Re: Wanted: Looking for someone who can teach me some spearfishing

Hi guys,

I am looking for someone who can teach me something about spearfishing.

I am in my early twenties, and live in the Eastern subs.

I have all the gear, but no experience in fishing, some experience in diving, but that's pretty much it.

So if you are likely to take me on a trip one day on a weekend it would me much appreciated.

Cheers Julian

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Hi Julian,

I think I can accommodate this request. Many people would say you have 'all the gear and no idea,' but we don't need to worry about what they say because they aren't invited on our spear fishing trip.

I see you are based in the Eastern Suburbs. Hmm, nice. Do you have any old, rich relatives who also might like to come along? We could say we are doing research for a movie idea and to make it more realistic we get them to take out a massive life insurance policy and make you the beneficiary before we go out. We could even make jokes about 'an accident' with the spear fishing gear, lol.

The heavy old oven and 2 sets of handcuffs in the boat will also be for the research, so I don't see why they would have any problem with it, especially if you also say we'll buy them some fish and chips when we finish around 4:30pm. Old people like fish and chips, especially for dinner.

FS

Re: Have fun and make money

I have an entire house full of stuff to sell- mostly in new condition including books, jewelery, clothes, art supplies and furniture. I'm looking for anyone who wants to help sell stuff and take 50% of money earned.

You can use my ebay account or sell on gumtree.
I will provide snacks and refreshment- tea, coffee, cookies etc.
I live in a nice house near Edgecliff train station

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Hi,

I'm as much for having fun as the next guy, but your ad confuses me. On the one hand, you want to sell all your mostly new items for money, but on the other you live in a nice house near Edgecliff.

Maybe you don't actually need the money and are just lonely and want some company. In that case, just invite someone over to hear your stories about the 60s. Making someone do ebay listings all day while they listen to you drone on is a bit over the top.

I mean, we've all had that one family member who wanted us to put their 3 piece wicker sofa set with the palm tree print covers on ebay that no one wanted to buy.

Maybe, you're actually planning on drugging me with the tea you provide and I'll wake up in the bathtub filled with ice and one of my kidneys missing. My mother warned me about this type of thing, but I guess at least I can lie down on her stupid wicker sofa and rest my remaining kidney if it happens to me.

FS

Re: Wanted: Luna Park Date

Easy-going woman seeking gentleman suitor to take her on a date to Luna Park to fulfill old-fashioned fantasy. Must have good aim as to win giant stuffed animal. End of night kiss not guaranteed.

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Hi,

Before I invite you to Luna Park, there's something from your ad I find confusing. On the one hand, you say you are easy-going, but then you say 'end of night kiss not guaranteed.' Well lady, you're either easy or you're not, so make your mind up already, I'm trying to get laid here.

I just don't want our date to turn into a 'jeez, now she wants a soft drink, there goes another $4' type of thing.

I am very experienced at these carnival games having been sold to a carnival owner as a child. I guess my parents were serious when they said, 'stop teasing your sister or we'll sell you to the carnival owner.' Anyway, my point is, these games are far from easy. It may require a distraction, such as you flashing your tits at the game operator while I 'win' or me simply just throwing a tantrum -- rolling on the floor crying, screaming and begging for a stuffed animal as I tell him about my horrible childhood.

If I do happen to secure the stuffed animal you so desire, then all I can say is you'd better be wearing crotchless panties and not feel squeamish in a port-a-loo -- trust me, it'll be the best 11 seconds from a baby carrot sized penis you've ever had AND you'll have a stuffed animal from Luna Park to take home with you.

FS

Re: Spiritual Cultivation in Penrith

Spiritual cultivation is about helping you find out the spiritual part in yourself and how to cultivate it to reach its utmost goodness. Spiritual cultivation is very important to bring harmony to your body, mind and spirit. Come and find out yourself.

Week nights or weekend in Penrith

-----

Hi,

First, let me say I think it's great you are trying to help people in this way. A lot of the creeps on gumtree just post up 'language exchange' ads when it's obvious all they really want to do is bang young and impressionable students, lol. Well, I do too, but I'd at least post something honest like 'Wanted: Bodily Fluid Exchange' or "It's a deal, you practice your English, I'll practice my Sex,' or 'Permanent Residency Visa offered in exchange for head job in Hyde Park.'

I have to point out something about your ad. In my mind, 'Penrith' and 'spirituality' go together like and 'meth amphetamine' and 'peppermint tea.' The Coles car park there is a fucking war zone and Panthers is the only place I ever seen signs displayed saying 'Tuesday night is Sluts Night.' Everywhere else still just says 'free champagne' to allow the ladies to retain some dignity.

I do think I have the solution for you, however. In the latest Wentworth Courier I stole from an old lady (I mean seriously, who starts crying over a WC?), there were several large terrace houses for sale. They sell for around $4 million, so you're better off just buying one of them and turning it into a spiritual retreat.

That way you can over-charge the eastern suburbs locals/tourists during the week and still cater to the Penrith people on weekends when they come to Bondi. I just think it's perfect and all you have to do is buy the terrace (though you'll need your own Wentworth courier to find them, I used mine to clog the pool filter at the house down the road -- they wouldn't let me use their bathroom when it was obvious I was throwing up, snobs).

If you need also some help raising funds, I can assist you in selling heroin or magic beans online. We'll just use your existing Penrith address, so no one gets confused with the new eastern suburbs terrace retreat.

FS

Re: EXPERIENCED BABYSITTER - LOOKING FOR A JOB CASUAL/FULLTIME NOW !

My name is Aurelie. I’m from France. I’m 21 years old.
I’m looking for a babysitting time.
I’m very social, responsible and positive.
I’m available all the time and each day of the week in eastern suburbs (morning, afternoon and/or night).
I’m happy to take care of children of any age!
Reference is available.

Kind regards,
Aurelie

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Hi Aurelie,

I am currently looking for a babysitter. My friend Helen often says things to me like 'you're such a fucking child,' 'stop staring at my tits' and 'no, I will not let you touch my tits if you do the dishes,' so I think I could use your help.

The babysitting will be for my inner baby and inner child, so don't get worried about a grown man wearing a diaper and talking in a baby voice or some other creepy shit like that.

In the interests of full disclosure, I should tell you some things about both of them. My inner baby is still breast feeding. I've been told he can be a bit rough at times, but if you've ever had drunken sex, then I'm sure you'll know what I'm talking about. With all that French champagne you've had access to, I'm sure you've had drunken sex before -- actually, if the babysitting thing doesn't work out, maybe we can just do that instead oui oui ? ;)

My inner child has also recently been in foster care. I warned him if I tripped over his fucking skateboard one more time, he was going away and sure enough, I tripped over it one night at 3am coming home from the bars. There were also allegations I put out cigarettes on him, but that was not true. I used a cigarette to kill the ice beatles that were crawling on his arms.

The hours will be from 3am until they pass out and I may need your help to clean up a little in the mornings as both are still going through the bed wetting stage.

Please let me know if this interests you.

FS

ps my inner baby is frightened and wants the tit now because you were YELLING IN THE TITLE OF YOUR POST

Re: Wrestling

31 yo guy into wrestling, fit and very strong legs. Looking for other fit guys to wrestle with. Cheers

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Hi,

I think I know just the place for you to find other guys into wrestling.

It's called the Stonewall Hotel and it's conveniently located on Oxford St. I was walking past there the other day on the way to my court appointed psychologist appointment and some guys were walking out.

I didn't quite catch it (because it's rude to eves drop on people), but one of them said something to the other along the lines of 'I want to [undecipherable] you up against the wall in the alley way around the corner.'

I just assumed he was talking about wrestling as they both appeared to fit your description.

The other guy seemed happy to oblige his request as he started stretching by reaching an arm behind the other guy's back. He also offered him an invite to a 'bug party' after they had finished with the wrestling.

FS

Re: Looking for Angela Mc.... Carrs Pk. mid 1970's

Hi...Looking for Angela. Now 42 or 43yrs of age. She went to Drummoyne Public from (approx) 1973-1975, and lived with her parents in the grounds of Callen Pk (Rozelle). Her father was a Dr. From memory she moved to Carrs Park. She had a large birthmark on her upper leg.Would like to catch up. If anyone knows of her whereabouts, would you mind contacting me, or forwarding this message on to her.

I do know her surname, but will keep it private, started with Mc.

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Hi,

I think I remember Angela babysitting me in about 1983. I was about 5 at the time, but I can remember the large birth mark she had on her leg. I remember she said if I didn't do what I was told, she'd rub the birth mark on my face and then I'd have one forever. She said my parents didn't love me and that I was planning to be sold to some crazy old cat lady who lived in the haunted house down the street. She also told me that both the tooth fairy and santa claus weren't real.

But the last thing I remember she said as the psych ward orderlies took her away, was that my penis would fall off and I would be teased mercilessly and called 'no penis blueberry face' by other kids forever.

There were no hard feelings and in hindsight, I think it might have been the 10 small squares of blotting paper from my Dad's drawer I put into her orange juice that made her like that. She's probably still in the psych ward now lol, so I guess we'll never know.

FS

Re: Sunday night

This is my last Sunday in the beautiful Australia. I want to enjoy tonight and have fun. So, anyone out there would like to join me for dinner, drink, dancing from 7 Pm till late.
please txt me on 0451****** as I may not check my email today.
speak soon

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Hi,

Sorry I was late with my reply. I was at a party on Sunday night. There were all these swim suit models, but unfortunately someone lost their costumes and they walked around naked. They had all you can eat kebabs and lots of beer there and each guy was given a free jetski at the end.

It's a shame you missed it, but it might be on again the next time you are in Sydney.

FS

Re: learn basic piano for free

hi every one
im a 28 yrs old male .im looking for new friends and im going to help you with playing keyboard or piano .i think it is a easy step for you to start learning piano .in return you can teach me any skill like language ,cooking ,dancing ... .plz let me knw if u interested .
cheers

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Hi,

I am very interested in learning how to play piano. I think it will help me to show off in front of girls by playing at parties and things. Walking around all day without a shirt on and my arms out wide just isn't working it for me anymore -- seems every other guy is already doing it.

In exchange, I can teach you the skill of walking on the street. Before you say anything, just think of the following situations:

* There is a heap of used mattresses and garbage on the side of the street and 3 people are walking towards you who appear to be European.
* There is a lady with a pram and a second child attempting to walk (usually, it's the lady who can walk fine).
* A younger guy with a rat's tail is running towards you (most likely away from the cops).

Now, in the case of the Europeans, they walk on the wrong side, so I can teach you how to recognize them and also how to mutter things like "we walk on the left side here for FUCK'S SAKE."

With the pram and child, the child will almost certainly dart in front of you at the last moment. The woman may also be effected by drugs or alcohol or both. My avoidance strategies are very effective in this situation.

And finally, with the rat's tail guy, I'll show you how to deliver a shoulder charge with such exquisite timing that he goes beyond the horizontal and his head hits the ground like a water melon. The police will be thankful and you can even cut off his rat's tail as a joke, ha ha.

By the end, you'll be skilled at handling all sorts of situations on the foot path and girls will be impressed, so your piano playing days will be a thing of the past.

FS

Re: Unlicenced electrician looking for work

Qualified British electrician looking for work, have 12 years experince have just finnished refurbing a factory unsupervised have loads of experince in commercial.domestic and industrial industries,have 8 months work experince in australia, can work with out supervison, in the final stages of getting my australian electrical licence

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Hi,

I have a small lighting project I need help with that might be suitable for you.

I'm growing some tomato plants in the roof of my grandmother's house so need to setup up some lights. I've told her about this, so she knows there will be a strange man coming to the house and messing around in the roof. If she starts yelling, just ignore her, it's either her dementia medication or she'll yelling at the tv again. She gets very upset when they undervalue things on 'Antiques Roadshow.'

I've also decided to run electricity from the house next door. I rarely see any lights on there, so it makes sense to use theirs. Besides, it's only 30, 500 watt lights we're installing -- they'll hardly notice a difference on their electricity bill.

Actually, they also have Foxtel, so if you can run a cable from their dish as well, that would be great. No real preference for channels except Fox Sports. That way I can at least have some entertainment when I come to visit grandma and tend to my tomato plants. It's always "FS, get grandma a valium," "FS, the road to the apocolypse is paved with broken beer bottles," "FS, if it flies, floats or fucks, rent it" with her. And I thought I was boring.

You'll be working without supervision (and insurance), so that's good you are used to that. I don't see what could possibly go wrong doing this anyway.

FS

Re: Email group for Bigginer weight trainers

Hey just wanted to start a mailing list for bigginer weight trainers. Sick of buying crap suppliments that dont work love some advice on stuff like that. Different training techniques. Maybe even meet up for the odd training seasions as well as a group of people to motivate each other to there training goals. dont really know how to organise this but will love to give it a go!!!

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Hi,

First, let me say thanks. You know how they say, 'you learn something new every day?' Well, today I learnt something!

I always thought it was 'beginner,' but I stand corrected -- weight trainers are not 'functionally illiterate meat heads' as my sister likes to say.

I really feel your pain. I've been disappointed time and time again from programs like 'the 6 minute Christmas abs workout,' 'superman abs with john goodman' and 'a shot that fights fat.'

I'm beginning to think it might just be cheesy marketing and my gentle nature that's at fault. The fairies at the bottom of the garden warned me about this, lol.

Anyway, I think your email group is a good idea and a great way for like minded people to connect with each other. Please add me and I look forward to messages like 'You've got new mail on russian-marriage-agency.com' only it will be from the 'bigginer weight training' group, not some gold-digger.

FS

Re: Lean to swim in Bondi

Exciting Holidays Swimming
Come and join in the fun this Christmas
at Splash Swimming Acdemy!
13m Outdoor pool, easy location in North Bondi.
We offer swimming lessons for children from 2 to 12 yo with Austswim qualified instructor.
For 1/2 h Individual lesson $35 or $300 for 10 lessons
If you bring a friend along 2 children is $30 1/2 hour or $200 for 10 lessons
Contact Adelaide

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Hi Adelaide,

As an adult living with the shame of not being able to swim, first let me thank you for this opportunity. I'm not going to lie, I just shed a tear when I finally realized I'd no longer have to say 'I have a skin disorder' or 'I have the runs' to get out of swimming. Call me stupid but saying I was fat and ashamed of my body just never occurred to me.

But that ship has sailed now lady and I'll be darned if I can't indeed be one of the survivors who swam, ripping old ladies out of their way to reach the wreckage!

In the interests of full disclosure, I need to point out my bladder control issues (it's a glandular thing and YES, I'm kind of sensitive about it). It only happens when I am nervous, shy or relaxed, but since we are swimming in the ocean, it will be fine. Wait, we are swimming in the ocean aren't we?

I'm also concerned about that cat being a fellow student. My Dad had this idea to wash the cat when I was young and it ended badly. The cat jumped away from the laundry tub and latched onto my face with it's claws. After that we went to the local shops and I bought the wrong type of strawberry jam and had to take it back to the manager and exchange it. I'm still scarred by that because he was really mean.

Oh, one last thing, since I'm of legal age, can I request inappropriate touching? I think that might take my mind off both the bladder control issues and the cat and from what I've read about swim coaches, it seems to be part of the service whether you want it or not anyway.

FS

Re: In Need Of A Hall To Hire (Sydney)

Hey, im in need of a hall in Sydney for a 17th birthday party, there will be 90 guests with security out front and paretnal supervision we just need a place to hold the party, would perfer halls around botany, mascot, matraville, malabar, maroubra, coogee, bondi, just around that are of sydney.

I would hold the party on the 17th December from 7 - 12 and have it in perfect condition.
Hope to hear from you

--------

Hi,

I think I have just the place for your party.

It's a disused electric sub-station in Woollahra. Council workers have been using it as a club house it seems, as it has a nice fit out, old couches and electricity which will suit your guests.

I can also arrange extra security to arrive at 10pm. Based on the drinking history of 17 year olds, we find that about 3 hours is when things start to get real crazy. The cheap security guards your parents hired will most likely run the other way and chaos will ensue.

My friends are very professional and are under strict terms for their probation so don't worry about any funny business. They will assist any passed out girls to leave the venue. Just tell the girls it will be like flying in America and getting a full body pat down/nude scanner image taken so they don't get surprised.

I can also walk to the nearby hotel and buy any extra alcohol for you. Since you are 17 and basically 18 anyway, it's a non issue, although I might not be able to buy some types of drinks. I have a reputation to uphold there and I don't want them to think I drink Bacardi Breezers or some other non-masculine drink.

One of the guys in high viz work wear might see it, then the next time I go in and tell him his vest brings out the color in his eyes, I might get cracked in the head with a pool cue. And all because I bought Bacardi Breezers for some girls who were too drunk to drink them any way. No thanks.

Anyway, just let me know if you want to have a look and I'll find out when the council workers leave for the day.

FS

Re: Stolen 1 x Jayco Dove Caravan 1983 & 1 x Blue Box Trailer

Stolen from Macarthur area (NSW) Jayco Dove Poptop 1983/84 (Rego F86076) Caravan and 1 x Blue Box Trailer( Rego D75389). No Insurance unfortunately but the thieves left the handle off the Jockey Wheel Behind (Idiots), and so finger printing was easy. Also my neighbours were able to record the theft on CCTV. It has a canvas tent, Bunk Beds and Kids Toys. Personal belongings were also stolen at the same time. Contact Crime stoppers NSW and quote the Number plates to catch these pathetic thieves! Remember, the next time it could be your caravan! Thank You

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Hi,

First let me say how sorry I am to hear your caravan has been stolen. Our family had many happy times when I was young in our caravan.

Of course, ours wasn't a pop top and it had a musty smell of 2 minute noodles and urine. I remember once when he was 4, my younger brother wanted to play monopoly with us, but he was too small to be the banker. He also had a habit of putting the houses in his mouth and just being a bit of a dick really. Anyway, this time he was good about it just sat quietly with his toys and my Mum was all 'isn't he a dear little boy!" but when she wasn't looking, he gave me a really evil smile.

He had something planned all right. That night, he climbed into my bed next to me and proceeded to wet it. Mum didn't believe my story in the morning and I had to walk past this creepy old guy's caravan with the pissed sheets to the toilet/laundry block and wash them. To make matters worse, she brought out the chocolate biscuits she'd been hiding and they ate some while I was on pissed sheet washing duties.

All I got was homebrand 2 minutes noodles on my return, so stop laughing at me you guys, I hate this stupid caravan anyway.

FS

Re: Wanted: fun partner reqiured

male 28 from hurstville, surfer, tattoos, seeking partner in crime asap

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Hi,

I have a friend around your age who is in dire need of fun. He has been playing cricket, but it looks like he'll be taking an extended break. He also has tattoos, but I'm not sure about the surfing. It seems he couldn't catch a cold, let alone a wave of late..

You can just contact him directly: mitchell.johnson@cricketaustralia-rejectlist.com

FS

ps his girlfriend seems a bit controlling, so she might need to be asked if he can hang out as well: karatebitch88@hotmail.com

Re: Soccer / Futsal Indoor / outdoor player available!

Hi There,

I'm an Italian guy recently moved in Sydney.
I used to play soccer/futsal in my hometown 1-2-3 times for week.
I'm looking for teams or sort-of to play sometimes.
I'm 1.95 x 95kg, left sided, striker (but I can play wherever is needed).
I am located in Glebe but I can move (not too far please!).

Send me an email or text me at my phone

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Hi,

First, let me say welcome to Sydney. Soccer is becoming more popular here in spite of the shiteous national soccer league, so there will be many opportunities for you to play professionally. In the meantime, I think I have just the team for you.

We play every Thursday in the Silverwater gaol league. The opposing guys are are all white collar crims -- kiddie porn, internet fraud, running banks and other minor offences, so nothing to worry about.

I should point out our away games are at the prison, but it's been all good since they removed the plastic seating and banned cigarette lighters. The ducted pepper spray system also seems to be having an effect when some of the 'supporters' decide to arc up.

The refereeing is not the best, which is why I think you could be a great fit. They tend to award a lot of free kicks/penalties and we are lacking someone with 'diving' talent.

From what I saw of Italy in the 2006 World Cup, it comes as second nature to Italians when in the box. As such you will be a great inclusion to our team.

Please let me know if you need any further info and if you have a 'highlight reel' of sorts for your diving abilities, please send it through.

FS

Reader feedback

Re: Single, unemployed lady. Cannot afford handyman

From: xxxxxxxxxxxxxx@yahoo.co.uk

HAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! What on earth is this post about! I just found i by accident!!! Re: Wanted: Borrow your Bondi bathroom From: 1@1.com LOL! Funniest blog ever I just found your blog by scouring Gumtree for funny shit and you've made our night. I nearly peed my pants.  Wait, I'm not wearing any pants. Wow that was lucky. Can't wait to read more! xxxxxxxxxx@yahoo.com Re: Wanted: Borrow your Bondi bathroom From: greatstuff@hopeless.com thats about as funny as cancer Re: In response to your ad From: xxxxxxxx.xx.xxx@gmail.com Dear FS, It'd be more amusing if you got the responses back from your emails. Your blog isn't very funny, rather dull and portraits you as an arrogant fool with nothing to do on a saturday night.  Re: In response to your ad From: giveitupchump@yahoo.com.au popular demand being a couple of teenage kids? i'm all up for comedy, but your humour is woeful

Re: Fire Dancing with Poi Workshop, Sydney

A 2-hour workshop followed by a Fire Jam on the beach (9pm, held by Fire Fairies) so you can practice your new moves!

Learn the basics starting from the beginning or fill in the gaps that are stopping you from achieving flow with your poi dance. We will explore planes, timing and direction to improve your poi flow and work at your level to get you fire dancing with confidence and grace.

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Hi,

I'm interested in attending your event. It sounds like fun as everything I consider 'fun' involves heroin or fire. I think I saw this a few weeks ago when I was getting drunk on the beach. If this was your group, please accept my apologies for yelling out 'I hope you set your hair on fire.' It was the liquor talking.

One concern I have is my dancing. My friends say when I dance, I look like a teletubbie. Fire twirling is cool and teletubbies are not, so I need to change what I'm doing. Actually, is it possible to set a teletubbie on fire?

Another concern is my right arm. It sort of ends half way down my forearm, but I have a hook/claw attachment. It will be able to hold on the the fire ball thing, but I'm not sure about how 2 different length arms will effect the spinning. This in addition my dancing problems could be too much to overcome.

My final concern is about me catching fire. In order to put my hair into the style of the day, I use a lot of hair spray. If this catches fire, will you have an extinguisher to put it out? I've had to roll around in the sand before, but I got sand everywhere. I think the extinguisher would be a much cleaner option.

Once last thing, is the workshop all you can drink? If not, I may as well bring a liter of vodka with me, so if it turns out I can't do the twirling, I can at least get wasted and offer twirling advice to the other members in the group.

FS

Re: xmas break starts from 20th dec

Hi, I am 30 m nepalese living in sydney for past 10yrs. work in IT. I have a three weeks break starting from 20th dec till 10 Jan. I am thinking about flying to adelaide from sydney and catch a ghan train from adelaide to darwin. it would be fun if someone else around my age wants to do same stuffs. we could rent a car etc and fly from darwin to sydney or what ever. let me know

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Hi,

I think I can help you arrange a great holiday.

My friend has an adventure company located in Adelaide. It's a 'reality' type setup, in that you can choose a scenario and act it out. His popular packages are the 'bank robber,' and the 'backpacker kidnapping.'

In the 'bank robber' he has you rob a local bank. I know what you're thinking, but don't worry. The staff are part of the local theater group and are amazing actors. They'll seem terrified of your sawn off shotgun, but rest assured they are fine with it all. The police will also probably turn up, but no one has real bullets, so you can just fire away. He also arranges a getaway car for you. Its always the one closest to the bank and to add more drama, there is someone in the drivers seat you just throw out of the way.

The one that might interest you more however, is the 'backpacker kidnapping.' In this scenario he has found a couple who want to travel north. He has you find a van and tests your macgyver skills by having you hot wire it. Once you have the van, you pickup the backpackers and start driving as fast as you can towards some scenic spots such as Wolf Creek. This is their cue to start acting scared and your cue to use the duct tape and zip ties to tie them up. Hilarity ensues. To end the trip, you sell them and the van to an old bearded guy a few hundred kilometers up the road and then you can get a train ride back to Adelaide. The train he uses is not the ghan, but there are sacks of grain you can lie on and be out of sight from prying eyes. You're bound to be tired after you adventure.

I think this will certainly add some spice to your life. IT is probably the most boring thing in the world and the beauty of it is you will most likely get to visit Adelaide many times for mini-reunions. The actors and the police will be in a special hall and will go over all the details of your trip. One guy did so well, he moved to Adelaide permanently. I think the area he moved to is called Northfield. Anyway, he has a special room number there and you can write him letters to find out his thoughts about the service.

Just let me know which one is best for you and I'll put you in touch with my friend.

FS

Re: website building tutorial very cheap

Anyone wants to create their own website from scratch

I can teach any of the following applications:
- HTML
- Dreamweaver
- Flash
- Animation
- Photoshop

just send me an email for more information

very cheap

-----

Hi,

I am very interested in your service. I have tried many times (rather unsuccessfully I might ad) to make a website. My friend Steve tells me it's my computer, but he's not very technically minded. Everyone knows you can make a computer out of paddle pop sticks and masking tape.

The website I want to make will be called MyFace and I have the first application ready to go. It's called FarmMafia and it will have things like 'FS requested a potato from your farm. Better send it or I'll break both your legs' and 'FS wants you to know your tractor is on fire. Good luck running to put it out with your broken legs.'

I know this idea will be a success, so please let me know your fees. I'm happy to pay anything reasonable (please note, anything over $2 an hour is not considered reasonable).

Thanks

FS

Re: English with an Australian guy

G'day, I'm an Aussie guy? if you'd like to understand Australian culture and make friends, and also improve your English, please reply. :-)

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Hi,

This is very timely as I have some questions I need cleared up for my swedish friend, Malin. When I met her she was going on about model this and model that, so I think she must like making models of volvo cars or something.

Anyway, she must have a strange walk, because we were at the beach the other day (she was in her bikini) and all these guys were staring at her. Her walk seemed fine to me.

After that, she got me drunk on julmust and molested me. I'd just refer her to your ad directly, but with the model cars, the beach thing and her fondness for interfering with me at night, I've decided not to -- I wouldn't wish that kind of sleep deprivation on any guy.

She did have some questions for me though, that I can't answer. Malin said she'd show me a special flower in the bushes behind the bondi pavilion if I get the answers, which sounds lame but I might find $2 on the ground walking there, so it's worth a shot.

Anyway, she was asking these:

Why do some australian guys have stars tattooed on their necks?

Is it usual for teenagers with rat's tails to pick fights with old men?

Does everyone in sydney leave empty beer bottles in shopping carts on the footpath and throw up everywhere?

What does it mean to get NRL player drunk?

Thanks

FS

Re: Goalkeeper needed 5-a-side thursdays night

Hi there, if you are a keeper and fancy playing with us on a 5-a-side comp on thursdays night give us a call.

We play in a second division and we love to have a beer or two after the game.

Cheers

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Hi,

I'd like to put myself forward for the role of goalkeeper. I actually prefer the term 'enforcer' as nothing will get past me. I also won't tolerate any unfair sledging from the other team and am happy to enforce that with a strong arm or thai elbow as the case permits.

I should point out a few things, just to be safe. I've been charged with 32 assaults, but have no convictions as none of the people wished to press charges. I have a lifetime ban from the NSW field hockey association, but since this is soccer, there are no problems (unless someone wants to start something with me lol).

I lost my driver's license several years ago after my 4th drink driving conviction, so I rely on buses or a lift if possible. There are also some pubs I am banned from and others that have some staff members with AVOs out against me (the same thing applies to some bus drivers actually). This might prevent me from attending the drinks sessions after the games depending on the venues you go to, but we can always just get wasted in the car park after the game.

I've calmed down a lot since I left prison, which I think is a combination of the strong anti-psychotic medication I'm taking and the court appointed therapist who's been administering electro shock therapy.

Well, let me know if you need to know anything else from me.

FS

Re: Wanted: Guitarists and Bassist and a Female Screamer Wanted

Hey my name is Becky I am 21 years old and I am starting a band.
So far I have a drummer named Tre who has been playing for 10 years and has already been in a fair number of bands.

I'm the lead singer and have been performing on and off stage for roughly 6 or 7 years.

We are both looking for serious, committed guitarists and bassists and female screamers who are interested in making it big.

Our influences are HIM, Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Bullet For My Valentine and a load of others.

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Hi Becky,

I'd like to suggest someone for you to fill the role of female screamer. At the last boarding house I lived in on Oxford st, the woman in the room next door was a real screamer.

She wasn't singing, but I'm sure it would be easy to adapt her style to fit your songs if you have phrases like 'oh yes,' 'f*ck me' and 'I'm going to [undecipherable]' in your song lyrics.

I noticed she also has 3 or 4 African friends. They could be backup dancers or even security for your band. They can also perform and it sounded like they might be in some sort of group together as I could often hear all 3 making deep grunting and slapping noises.

Oh, I forgot to mention another thing that will fit with your style of music. She had a habit of banging her head against the wall. This was often at the same time when she was screaming and her African friends were performing, so there might be some way to incorporate that into your songs.

Just let me know if you would like to contact her.

FS

Re: Wanted: Borrow your Bondi bathroom

I am looking for place to have a shower and change clothes close to Bondi Beach today.

It will be after 5pm today and have an early engagement.

I am working with clients all day and then have another evening seminar and not much time in between.

I am male, clean, and straight and quite serious. I can compensate your out of pocket expenses. can provide photo

Anyone got any other suggestions? not looking for expensive hotel nor public toilet.

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Hi,

I can accommodate this request for you. I have a shower located at the rear of my building just off curlewis st which I think you will find suits your needs.


It is of a higher standard than the bondi pavilion, so we would request that you wear thongs so you don't leave anything nasty behind.

I'm not sure about your meetings, but you most likely have to walk around and with the warm conditions and your most likely cheap business shoes (let's face it, you're obviously cheap), this could be a hygene problem.

If you can let me know the exact time you'll need it, I'll make sure there are no homeless people or high school students fooling around in there.

FS

Re: Wanted: Seeking warehouse, large living space for music

Hi,

I want to move into a space to live that also can facilitate my recording equipment and rehearsing. I am professional with a business within the CBD. But when I get home I can't play and record music. I really want to have the freedom to do so. Anyone have a space to rent?!

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Hi,
I think I may have the answer for you, but first I need to verify a few things about your music. Can you tell me the style you play? I don't want to be mean, but it might well be that you're just not very good and the people you live with are trying not to hurt your feelings by saying 'keep it down, we want to watch today tonight.' I mean, no one in their right mind watches that show.

I have access to a place in Palm Beach. It is a short bus ride on the L90 from the city. Just bring a book or a portable dvd player. I noticed on the stretchy buses, there is the rack at the front, so I think you'll find that spacious enough for your equipment. If you need more, you can just put it on the red seats next to the rack.


Ok, the place in palm beach had some issues not long ago. The roof is still in tact in most places and it certainly has a 'warehouse' feel to it. The pool is also still working, although you might need to bring some pool chemicals with you if you want to swim in there. There might be room for them behind the bus driver's seat if you ask him nicely.

I think $150 per week for the space would be fair. I've decided to factor in the neighbor next door into the price. He seems to be suffering from some sort of mental disorder. I can always smell funny smoke and he tends to shout loudly at the tv set. I think he gets frustrated watching 'deal or no deal,' so it might be a sensitive point. I wouldn't go around saying it's dumb or anything like that.

This is also the reason I asked about your music. He may not like it, in which case he might come over. To compensate for this, I'll throw in the free use of a tazar. Just light him up like a christmas tree if he comes near you. Then when he's on the ground, yell out "look out for the ice beatles" and you'll get a good laugh.

Anyway, let me know if you'd like to come and look at the place.

FS

Re: Wanted: Seeking casual meeting room or office space in inner west

hi, I have a business I run from home in the inner west and am looking for casual meeting room space I can use for small or larger meetings on an infrequent basis. If you have an office or location that you wouldn't mind sharing or offering for small $ for casual use by a professional trustworthy person, please contact me.

Prefer options in the inner west area.

-----

Hi,

I think I have an ideal situation for you.

A few days a week, I deliver groceries to an old ladies house in Lilyfield. She has a large front room which would be ideal. It is furnished, although one might not use the term 'modern' to describe it. I'd also not use the term 'fresh smelling' either.

There are also a large number of pictures in the room of her late husband. He suffered from a rare skin disorder however, so this may be confronting to some of your guests. I can certainly move the large marble display with his ashes in any event.

The old lady usually sits out the back near the kitchen watching TV. She has dementia and also a tourettes type thing, where she will yet out 'sh!t balls' from time to time. I was a bit shocked at first, but you'll get used to it and even find it endearing. Because she can't remember things too well, she will likely start calling you sh!t balls, so be ready for that.

If that get's too much though, I can always put some gin in with her tea. That mixed with her powerful medication should put her out for an hour at least.

I think $50 would be fair for the use of the room, a bank deposit to my account would be fine (I'll give to her) and then I'll just leave the key under the front door mat.

FS

Re: Business Partner Wanted

Hi,
Im seeking busniess partner for my new business.
If you are honestly looking for starting something new, dont hesitate to reply.
No time wasters please

-----

Hi,

I'm interested in your new business. I've been involved in other businesses and am looking for something new. The dry cleaning business I was involved with burned down, but I had nothing to do with that, it's not my fault the microwave couldn't detect foil and stop when the chicken was heated.

I think a good idea would be to go to the bookstore and spend several hours looking at books on business. We can have a coffee as well and talk about business things. Actually, people going to a bookstore and reading the books for free is not a good business idea (in case that's your idea).

FS

Re: Single, unemployed lady. Cannot afford handyman.

I need a guy with a drill that can go through concrete for help with a small job in Edgecliff. It just requires about 4 screws put into concrete wall.
I will provide box of Lindt chocolates and much gratitude!
I'm a friendly, 25 year old Australian girl but don't have a job just now. Can anyone help?

-----

Hi,

I think I can help, but I need some things clarified first.

Do the holes have to be in a straight line? One of my eyes is lower than the other, so I find it difficult to get things perfectly straight. If it's to hang art or something you can just say it's meant to be like that and 'adds to the effect.'

I'm concerned that the Lindt chocolates you're offering might be re-gifted. Do they have a used by date? I'm quite fussy when it comes to chocolate, so if might be better if you just bought a fresh block of top deck from Coles or even some of the fake cherry ripes from Aldi. Both shops are conveniently located at Edgecliff station.

Will there be a chaparone? I'm concerned about being alone with a woman. I'm going there to drill holes in your concrete and eat some chocolate, not to be taken advantage of.

Finally, do you have any cats? I'm not allergic or anything, but a single lady living with cats might mean you're crazy and on top of the dodgy chocolate reward, might swing me away from this job.

FS